I did think I was a better and more evolved version of bipolar, the new and improved bipolar 2.4, a rare edition of the self aware non medicated calm maniac.
I thought it was one of those sometimes I’m not bipolar phases.
I thought I was better, because I knew my psyche and because I knew what the signs were.
I really did think I was better than the rest
Because I am not on medication,
Because I can articulate this obscure fluctuation
Because I can accept my loss of control without losing it
I thought I had beaten it, I thought I wasn’t another bipolar
I wasn’t another psycho freak
I thought I was special
I still thought I was special the limited edition version 2.4 as I gnawed through my arm like a hungry rabid dog
I thought I was special because I currently am going through a depressive episode and I am totally aware of it, I am working out my issues, I’m not just another bipolar, I am an enlightened bipolar.
I thought I was special because I understood that the rabid dog had to feed and I could control it with applied behavioural motivational therapy, no no no not control train through a series of positive reinforcements. I accepted my rabid dog and I respected my rabid dog.
And it respected me.
I thought I was special because I thought I was better
Better than you, better than every bipolar, better than you nonbipolars because I have the bipolar edge
When I cannot control my voice
When I cannot control my actions
When I cannot control my tears
When I cannot control my drama queen
When I cannot explain it anymore
When I am humiliated by a self that I do not know
I know I am not in control
When I am no longer there, but I am
When I cannot accept this part of me, but it is
When the rabid dog wants to feed and I do not want to give it an arm
When I want to put it down
I am not better
I am not special
I am another A bipolar
I am another A bipolar who cannot accept it because I think I am better
Because I think I am special but I am another A bipolar who isn’t better and who isn’t special but thinks there are, who cannot accept it they are A bipolar because they think they are special and that they are better,
when they are just another A bipolar who isn’t better and who isn’t special
(wow, I just realized how I have been using my "illness" to feed my ego, wow aren't I special, aren't I better?)
