Abandonment Angst

I was talking to my friend today, I was feeling very distant from myself.

So we reviewed my mood chart. The online daily record of my mood

Mildly elevated

Moderately elevated

Severely elevated

Baseline

Mildly depressed

Moderately depressed

Severely depressed

Mild anxiety

Moderate anxiety

Severe anxiety

Mild irritability

Moderate irritability

Severe irritability

Menstruating

Medication taken

Additional comments

Three weeks of my emotions recorded on the world wide web @ moodtracker.com right under

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Cymbalta

I was dis@&#@*co n@&#@nected. My friend who is psychic tuned into me. I was hiding in someone’s heart, she said. I said there was something under the surface, tickling, like scraping nails against a board, the inside of my chest. While I studied the cartilage and muscle of dog’s larynx. Every so often, the nails tickle my chest cavity, get my attention and then scrape. The noise is heard by every part of my body.

It’s 30 C^ooutside, I’m lying on my couch, my books surrounding me, a water bottle next to me, in front of my heater, wrapped in a blanket.

Phoenix my cat, climbs over me, like I’m not there. I watch a movie on my computer. The doorbell rings a few times. I do not get up.

I finish the movie, and in my chest her nails are scraping (I know anatomically the sensation cannot exist, but right now my consciousness perceives my chest as a hollow space with no organs). Her nails tickle the walls, moving against these tiny bumps, vibrating them, making them resonate in my chest in unison.

I vibrate internally

No thoughts

No feeling, only sensations

Physical

Simple

Panic triggered, I recall:

My best friend from high school.

Phoenix jumps up, someone is outside the apartment. The bell rings again. Her nails dig deeply into the walls of my chest.

I do not open, I recall:

“I can’t handle this, I can’t watch you doing this to yourself”

Moving on and away from me

My parents, their shields coming up holding me back at a safe distance

Mary (ex-partner who cheated on me) hiding deeper into her own misery to escape mine.

Resilient friends, who would pull away and return once the cloud of teenage morbid gloom lifts away.

I panic, because my current girlfriend (long distance), I’m not sure what else to call her despite the fact that that label throws me in a state of panic, is frowning at me.

Arms crossed, teeth clenched.

Well in my head she is at least, whether I’m projecting or not.

Lying pathetically on my side, not getting up. I feel this sense of failure overwhelm me. I can her in my head to the rhythm of the scarping lady’s nails, not blaming me with her words but the nails dig deeper and tear,

She says,

I really love you

Or

I love you so much

Or

I love you very much

Or

I love you a lot

But

I can’t handle you when you get like this, I’m sorry I can’t be with you anymore

Not an irrational fear based on past experiences with humans in close emotional proximity

I want to COMMUNICATE,

but the scraping lady’s nails plucked my recurrent laryngeal nerve and I

whimper

I believe in DSM

I'm not sure why I would want to blog about my bipolar, but I guess I need to start this blog with some kind of first post.

I want to throw my emotions out at everyone, I already do that with people I know and people I just meet, and there is a certain excitement in being able to do that with even more people. My emotions have been the source of so much drama in my life and so that might be a good explanation for my indulgence. Its not much of an explanation for my exhibitionism, but when I think about it. Growing up, so much of who I am, what happened to me and things I believed in had to be hidden. Society loves the secrets, so people can get their little thrills with their expose' of other people and can feel a bit better about their own secrets. I hate the silence and I hate the shame. Exhibitionism is my big FUCK YOU to everyone and everything that has every made me feel ashamed of any part of who I am.

Maintaining this blog is going to be very inconsistent. I expect that there will be days where I might post a thousand million times and othertimewhere I just won't for months.

Depending on whether or not I'm having a day where I'm a DSM believer or not, whether or not I acknowledge the existence of bipolar. If I believe in the DSM then I believe I'm bipolar.

This is how I feel* about being bipolar:
1. Isolated (from the people I care about)
2. Alienated (from general society)
3. Flawed (unable to perform academically)
4. Angry (I don't know where to start or where to end with that one)
5. "Poor me" (Not too hard to figure that one out)
6. Desperate
8. Frustrated
9. Fed up (that this is something I'm stuck with)
10. Confused (about what it means to acknowledge that I am bipolar)
11. Scared (that another episode is just around the corner)
12. Optimistic (that some manic high will enlighten me)

(I love parathensis, the content becomes optional. One can read it or skip over it. Its an after thought, a clarification, but best of all it's optional)


*Please note that the use of the word feelings to describe the list of words is incorrect word choice. Some of the words listed below are not feelings. For an inventory on words that fall under the category of feelings go to http://www.cnvc.org/feelings.htm.