Insignificant

you slap me
once twice across the face
across the arm
my hair, you pull me down
you call me a victim
and you show me i'm insignificant
through the endless minutes of my life
i am nothing, i am worthless
you tell me, and you show me
you stare into each other's eyes
glazed over, empty, disconnected
uninterested, a rage that consumed
to death
disintegration
choice
cut open my face
break open my veins and yet commend yourself that my skin remained intact
that i bruise easily
that i got a private school education
that you fed and clothed me
my blood spills beneath my skin
you don't have to clean my mess
as i clean up a glass of spilled milk, that had slipped from between my fingers
stupid, clumsy, careless
sticks and stones
words, sticks and stones..
stings into sting, pain into pain,
like the peaks of multiple orgasms
insult into insult into praise, into insult till you lose all touch of you
the milk gets to seep to move to escape and my blood remains hidden
you choose me over you every time
you choose to hate me instead of yourself
you choose to hate me instead of your failed life
your failed marriage
your failed parenthood
and I'm the one that failed you?
I could sit and believe you, and I did.
over and over
I am failing you,
Because my body refuses you
because that skin, that stung and scarred
tries to run and hide inside my body when you come near
because I don't want to hear your words
of love,
because I do not want to hear your words of love
intertwined with your words that drown me in insignificance
I caught a glimpse of me one day
and it wasn't so bad
it didn't slouch and didn't shuffle
and it didn't feel it was silently screaming to be released
It didn't need a surgical blade
point to skin to break intact confining skin
I loved it
It was love
And I choose me
And I chose it

They Can Violate You, But...

They can violate you,
but they can't humiliate you
When their hands grab at your body
and you can't see their faces
too many faces, you smell their sweat
Dripping on your face, burning your eyes
The stank of a men's locker room
and you feel the wind against your face
and their bodies pressing against you
Too many faces,
Too many hands
Your feet are off the ground and hands pulling at your arms
a wave, no not a wave
a whirlpool, enclosing, drowning
Air, you need to come out for air
Dizziness, swirling, groping
You call on the Friend, the Guide, Truth

مدد يا مولانا

Silence, a calmness between the waves
You breathe, and breathe and breathe
As you waltz your way between bodies,
trapped in a divine gift of momentary stillness
167 were not so lucky.

Bare Back

You stood behind me
your erection in my back
yes, back
yes right there in my back
because you were towering over
white synthetic shorts brushing against
my bare back
towering over me, because I was 12
I don't remember your face
We never spoke
There was no invitation
And a bikini on a flat-chested prepubescent
was hardly a provocation
Yet the liberty you gave your cock
and the freedom you gave your rough dark hands
dirty grimy nails
pinching, squeezing, chaffing
small nipples that refuse to grow
A whole top part of an abdomen
sensation-less, frozen
layer after layer
loose, wide clothes
concealing
Build a fortress of flesh
A deterrent
Mine, not really mine
no mine,
or not?
a body disembodied
SHAMED
And YES you took a part of me
A part that I cannot and will not ever know
And as cliche and dramatic as this may have sounded
My chest was hollowed out with a bulldozer
As many times as
hands, fingers, lips, cocks
groped, pressed up, grabbed, pinched
VIOLATED
There is no resolution