??impulsivity??

Impulsivity is when you act without thinking. It usually implies some kind negative or self destructive behavior. I’ve never really heard anyone talk about impulsivity in a good way. He was so impulsive yesterday; he cleaned his house, did all his work, and wrote his thesis. Action without thought can be counter productive. He was impulsive so he got a promotion. He was impulsive, he got the noble prize. It seems to me that the emphasis here is on the value of thought. It implies that when we use the term impulsivity then we must understand what action is and what thought means. When the DSM defines Borderline and uses impulsivity, I’m going to assume that whoever wrote it, whoever uses it, understands what thinking means and what thought is. After subjecting a friend to a few days of melodrama and making her watch me cut myself with a “sterile surgical blade” I decided to take sometime to reflect on my actions. The act: cutaneous superficial incisions using a “sterile surgical blade” while simultaneously asking a friend to watch (her uncle by the way won a noble peace prize, so you can always ask him about impulsivity and productivity), in an attempt to avert real or imagined fears of abandonment. In attempt to avert escalating suicidal ideation.

Thought

Yes, my actions were preceded by thought. My definition of thought would be a mind dialogue that I am conscious of having with myself. Potentially my definition can be slightly problematic because of the issue of “myself”, I could start looking into what is “I” who is “me” and never get to the point of what I want to say. So I’ll let go of some of my anal retentiveness and let this one slide. So here is an abridged version of my thought process (you should be thankful it’s abridged, you can also listen to it on audio playback).

Wow, this feeling really sucks. Hmmmm, wow, there’s no point in anything. Wow, this blows. Hmmmmmmm, I wish it would all end. No no no no, stop being so dramatic. Reach out to people they can help. Help with what? My peter pan adolescence that will not end. This sucks. Okay, how am I feeling? I am feeling like there is a heavy sticky thing inside my thorax. But it’s not really my thoracic cavity really, because it’s permeating through every part, the space, the tissue and fluids. I still haven’t studied the blood supply of thorax. I just know that the there’s a subclavian something or the other. Shit, this sucks. I feel like crap. I want to kill myself. Killmyself killmyself. Hmmm wow, I want to cut myself. How girl interrupted of me. God, oh wow. I feel suffocated, hmmmm, maybe I will slit my wrists. Everything is so dark. Okay, I have an idea, I’ll cut myself instead of kill myself. Killmyself. Hmmm I’ll use a sterile surgical blade. I will have eliminated the risk of infection, and minimize the presence of scarring. Fantastic. Oh I’ll cut myself on my craniomedial proximal antebrachium so that I minimize the risk of people finding out. I feel there’s so much inside of me that I can’t find words to express. I want to share with someone, my inner pain and suffering. I’ll ask yasmin to watch me, because she will not judge me. Hmmm, well I guess this has worked before that I’ve cut myself and didn’t kill myself, killmyself. I obviously see the logical flaw here, just because I’ve cut myself an haven’t killed myself killmyself it doesn’t mean that they there is a causation, it might only be a correlation. Especially since I haven’t not cut myself and still didn’t kill myself, killmyself. I feel so lost and uprooted, well okay, I’ll cut myself it seems like the best way to: 1) release very negative emotions, 2) express myself

I didn’t say it wasn’t lame, but it is still thought. My actions although stemming from lame pain were accompanied by a thought process and some kind of reasoning. Regardless whether it is flawed or not. Is this impulsive?

So I cut myself, my friend watched live on webcam. I didn’t feel better. So since my dissection kit was out. I also decided to give myself a haircut. I’ve been watching the L-word and am completely obsessed with Shane’s (Katherine Moennig) hair . So in front of my only not even glass mirror, using the scissors of my dissecting kit, while my cat and dog were running between my feet, I sort of gave myself a nonsymmetrical artistic haircut. I realized that actors have hairdressers, these hairdressers have a lot of experience and training, they also have a lot of tools and resources, and rarely do they cut and style their own hair, even if they are ambidextrous and double jointed they will have someone helping.

Do you think I’m impulsive?